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Watching a YouTube upload that was from the BBC so no doubt illegal were some jokes.

1. The train now arriving on platforms 4, 5 and 6 has just blown up on platform 7.

2. I'm afraid son but Santa will be unable to give a toy train set for Christmas. He is however able to give you a toy bus replacement set instead. 

3. Athletics at the London Olympics. In lane one is the UK. In lane two is the USA. Lane three is closed for resurfacing.  

4. Australia has once again beaten England in the cricket. Hitting things and running away it's the criminal mentality.

5. Ladies and gentlemen we shall soon be arriving at Glasgow airport. I remind you that you need to put your watches back......25 years.

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The train now arriving at platform 3 is Stephen's Rocket, we are sorry for the delay.

If you see anything suspicious report it to a member of staff, if you find a member report it as suspicious.

And my fav, the buffet car is now open, with mouth watering food at eye watering prices.

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Arrgh! my friend the duke. My daughter has been itching to meet you. Chlamydia!!!

Men about to go into battle. Men don't worry you'll soon be home with your families. In a urn, on the mantle piece.

Dr Who. We seem to have materialised in the 19th century. Oh no, it's Glasgow 2017.

I though watching Queer Eye For a Straight Guy that it would be a good idea to have gay friends so that they could give me fashion tips. But actually they just sh##g me.

A man from the ministry went to an NHS hospital to review their performance. He said "you seem to go through a lot of bandages what do you do with the rolls in the middle"? The hospital exec replied "we save them all up and send them back to the bandage company and eventually we get one free. We recycle them.

The man from the ministry then asked, " you seem to have a lot of coloured bandages. Isn't that rather wasteful?. The exec replied, "well we get patients to make a 1 pound donation which more than covers the actual 10p that it costs to put the colouring in.

The man from the ministry was determined to show how wasteful the NHS was. So he asked, "what do you do with all the little bits of skin left over from the circumcisions". But the exec had an answer for that one too. He told him "we send all those little bits to the government and once a year at about this time they send us a complete prick.  

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